You made me 'Momma'

Dear Keegan,

Since we have been having such nice weather lately, you and I have been going on long walks around the neighborhood.  The other day, I was pulling you in the wagon and you were pointing out all the squirrels and birds you saw and were  making car noises anytime a truck or bus drove by.  Everything about the moment was so surreal - the calm breeze, the smell of spring, and the birds chirping.  In that moment, I suddenly got a big lump in my throat and felt tears springing to my eyes, I looked at you with your big eyes taking in the world around and your chubby fingers pointing at all the little scampering animals and it hit me that you aren't going to be my baby for much longer.

I whispered, I love you, as I swallowed that lump and blinked back the tears. I told you again how that you are going to be getting a little brother, named Judson in just 5 months and that he would be your new playmate and our little baby.

Things will be different...in a good way, I told you.

I thought about our little routines and how much I enjoy being your Momma.

You were the first little boy to steal my heart and make me burst with so much love and joy that I didn't even know my heart had room for.  I call you 'my little buddy' because that's what you are.  You follow me around the house and like to help me with whatever I am doing, whether making dinner, dusting furniture, or fixing my hair.  I want you know how very special you are, after all you were the first one to call me, Momma, and that is by far the highest calling in my life.  I love you, my little buddy, forever and always.

Love,
Momma

{Us on one of our walks}

Happy birthday, little one

I felt you first.  I remember the first time, you moved in me.  It was like we were having a secret conversation and I cherished it so much.  Throughout the weeks prior to your arrival you became more and more active and I loved being able to let Daddy feel you move too.  No longer were you just the size of a pea, but you were growing each and every week until you were the size of a watermelon!

I read book after book.  I made freezer meals, cleaned my house, washed all your tiny clothes, and waited.  Could you tell I was scared?  I would talk to you and imagine what it would be like to finally hold you in my arms.

But then you were here.  Eighteen days early, on a beautiful spring afternoon.  They placed you in my arms and I sobbed.  I felt my heart do the something I didn't know was possible - it grew.  I counted your finger and your toes, I kissed your tiny lips and stroked your baby soft skin.  It was love at first sight.

We brought you home and despite all the books and article I had read, I still felt so unprepared for motherhood.  Nobody tells you about the countless sleepless nights, of the baby cries that hurt your heart, or the thoughts of  
                                        Am I doing this right?
                                       Is he in pain?
                                      Does he know how much I love him?
                                      Will I ever feel like I have this motherhood thing down?
                                    
This last year we have grown together -you and I and we are still continuing to do so.  I have realized that I would do anything to make you happy, and that that makes me happy.  Nobody could have prepared me to understand all the love I would feel for you.  And I don't know that I can begin to put it into words.  You are my sunshine on a cloudy day and my rainbow after the storm.  You are my little buddy and I look forward to seeing you grow.

I birthed and made you, but you -- you made me a mother and that is a title that will always be most dear to my ears.

Happy Birthday, little one.

Love,
Your Mommy

How being a mother has changed me...

I am a planner, a list maker, and at times a bit of a perfectionist.

I dislike disorganization and love following a schedule.

However 6 1/2 months ago, my life changed.

My world changed.

I really had no idea.

I imagined Jack and I with this perfect little family and our perfect

little son.  I imagined an orderly home with a happy and content baby

who would not interrupt my schedule.

Boy, was I naive!

I will never forget the first night at home.

It was well past midnight, and I was sitting in the rocker with a crying baby.

I was trying to feed him and was not having any luck.  

He was crying so loud and I did the only  thing I could...

I cried along with.

I hugged him to my body and cried out to God,

Please make him stop.

I don't know what I am doing.

Oh God, I don't know how to be a good mother.

I can't even comfort my own baby.

Please help me.

That was the first time I realized how completely helpless I was as a mother

and how very little I really knew.

It also was then that I developed a new found appreciation for my mom.

The weeks following I struggled with balancing a home, baby, and husband.

I felt like the only one I could devote my time to was the baby and I had laundry to do,

dishes to wash, and dinner to make.

I felt buried and unable to keep my head above water.

I wanted to make something special for my husband for dinner,

I wanted to crack open my day planner and schedule my week,

I wanted to shower before noon, and not walk around feeling like a zombie.

But most importantly I just wanted to be a good mother AND a good wife.

I felt like I couldn't do both.

When I couldn't dry Keegan's tears I would cry and feel utterly helpless.

This continued for a couple of months and then one day, it was like

the heavens opened and I heard God speak to me...

He said,

Nicole, you don't have to do this alone.

You don't need to be a perfect mother; just do your best and leave the rest to me.

Don't get so bogged down with the little things.

You won't always have a tidy house, perfectly fixed hair, and a month's 

schedule planned in advance.

What you do have, is a husband who adores you and a 

healthy baby who will be past the crying, fussing stage before you know it.

Enjoy these moments.

Cherish the late night snuggles.

And most importantly bring your problems to me.

And so I decided that from then on, I was going to try with the Lord's help

to not let a crying baby get me down.  To not let disorganization, or even planning

meals weigh me down.  Even if I couldn't "fix" a crying baby, or figure out why he was 

spitting up, I would not let it get me down any longer.

Being a mom has made me less organized and a whole lot less of a perfectionist.

However, being a mom has also made me more like my mother I like to think.

If you were to ask me to describe my mom in one word, it would be

unselfish.

Everything my mom did was for my sisters and I.

She went to work to help put us through the Christian school.

She made us our favorite meals, and threw us awesome birthday parties.

She put our needs above her own and was always sacrificial in her time

whether helping with school projects or 

listening to us practice speeches and reports.

I find myself going straight for the baby section every,time I am in a department store.

Gone are the days of looking through clearance racks of clothes for myself.

I, instead, am thinking,

What does Keegan need?

What would Keegan like?

Even when Keegan sleeps through the night,

I still wake up and find myself tip-toeing to his room where I will

watch him peacefully sleep.

The times we are apart, I scroll through my phone looking at

pictures of him or watching videos of him cooing.

Some days, when the dishes are piled high, and the laundry needs

to be folded, I push them aside and read a story to a baby who insists

on "reading" along.  He does not seem to mind my off tune voice

and so we sing songs and play peek-a-boo.

Being a mom is making me more unselfish.

Being a mom is making me a better person.

Motherhood is hard.  Way harder than I ever imagined.

But there is this little boy.

This little boy who from the moment he entered the world had my heart.

A little boy who is growing every day.  Growing to some day go out on his

own, marry a wife, and make me proud.

So for now, I will let the dishes wait, 

set my day planner aside,

and hold this precious baby of mine.

After all, motherhood has changed me and I am rather glad.

[photography credit: Britton and Erika Felber]

A Valentine's Post - Seasons of Life

Something has been on my heart for a little while now and I thought I would share in hopes of being a blessing to a reader who may come across this post.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner and at this time of year I cannot help but think of single ladies, because I was in your shoes not that long ago and I don't ever want to forget that season and all God taught me through it.

This past year, while attending a wedding, a minister was giving the challenge and he said something that made me stop and think.  He said that young ladies who seem to be given that "extra time" at home should treasure that season in their life, for they would never get it back.  That being single is a blessing from the Lord and should be used to further our walk with Him.

I listened to him and recalled to mind the years that I was single and watching friends and classmates get married and move on.  I remembered with mixed emotions and then it hit me.  In a strange way, I missed those days.  Now, please don't take me wrong.  Anyone who knows me, knows I adore my husband and love the life God has given us together.  But, there was something I "missed" about that season and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Somehow this thought has stayed with me throughout the year and just recently I realized what it was that I missed from my single years.  In the years leading up to God bringing Jack into my life, I had to REALLY learn to trust in God and Him ALONE.  I claimed scripture after scripture and saw God answer so many prayers - some so little that only I could appreciate them.  My faith was strengthened and I learned to be content with the season of life God had me in.

You see, being single is not a bad thing:

• I had an extra 4 years at home
• I was able to help and assist friends and their weddings
• I developed hobbies
• I served in my home church
• I got more time in the kitchen
• God increased my faith
• I saw prayers answered

So, with Valentines under two weeks away, I want to challenge any young lady who thinks being single is a troublesome trial to keep your head up.  Trust God in this season of your life, He can do so much through you as you learn to lean on Him more and more daily.

Marriage is worth the wait and I can honestly say I look back with fondness on my "single season."

Happy Valentines, my single friends - you are in my prayers.

the unfolding of His plan

For the past several years in my devotions I have alternated each year between two books to read along with my Bible reading.  This year I am in Streams in the Desert, which means that the last time I read this would have been in 2011.

Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow.

So often when we as Christians go through darkness the natural thing is to find the light and help ourselves out instead of waiting through on God.  We seek the light through our friends, or perhaps our own judgement and wisdom instead of letting Him help us.  Premature deliverance may frustrate God's work of grace in our life...

Two years ago I read this statement in my devotional and today I read it too:

You may move the hands of a clock to suit you, but you do not change the time; so you may hurry the unfolding of God's will, but you harm and do not help the work.  You can open a rosebud but you spoil the flower.  Leave ALL to Him.  Hands down.  Thy will, not mine.  Remember that it is better to walk in the dark with God than to walk alone in the light.

Next to that underlined portion I had scrawled -  {Jack}

I have read this same devotional probably a half a dozen times now but when I saw my handwriting; saw HIS name, I couldn't help the tears from falling.  You see two years Jack was barely an acquaintance   As a matter of fact I had never met him in person; and I only knew him through his blog and the light emailing we had done regarding photography.  But two years ago, I knew there was something special about HIM.  I knew that if God allowed it we could be so much more than barely acquaintances.   And oh how I wanted to rush in, to be a little more forward than was in my nature.  To try to "win" him on my own; to make this  work.  However, I knew that I need to trust God to let His plan unfold and to let it be in His timing.

If I can get one point across to single girls it would be just that..  Let God do His work.  Let Him unfold his plan in your life.  Trust Him.

How do I know this works?  Because  I have now been married to that Jack for the happiest 5 months of my life.